A Manipulator, An Opportunist And A Nightmare

Six years ago, I was in a very short-term abusive relationship with a man I’ll call The Exploiter. We met at an apartment community where we were both residents. He’d broken up with a live-in girlfriend and I was moving on from a situationship. We were involved for a few months before life took a turn pushing things to move from casual to serious at a rapid pace. A traumatic loss hastened the swift transition between The Exploiter and me. By many accounts it was too fast. I say it wasn’t fast enough. Eric, the man who’d been the greatest love I knew until that point died tragically. I was heartbroken and an easy prey for an opportunist. The Exploiter is an opportunist.

The Preamble

While he was not married, Eric was a man unavailable to me in many ways. I struggled with this for a long time. The love I felt for him was one beyond my comprehension. Our relationship was passionate, intense, tumultuous and unstable. It was a constant push and pull, a back and forth. Each time I thought of leaving, it was torture. So, I continued until I could no longer. On August 29, 2014, I ended things with Eric for good. I explained I’d met someone. I wanted a chance of a real romance. I told him I’d always love him and that I didn’t hate him. I reminded him we wanted different things. He proceeded to block me on all platforms and ceased communication. It would be the last time we’d speak.

Tuesday September 2, 2014 is stamped in my memory forever. It was the day after Labor Day. I received the news of a fatal collision in the area. I read the article. The horrific pictures stared at me. But my brain didn’t register anything yet.  The first sentenced said “46-year old Eric Daniels was involved in a motorcycle crash at 9:30 this morning”. “My Eric Daniels”, I thought. “At 12:30 PM, the police department confirmed Daniels had died”. That was the last sentence. My head was in a cloud of heat. My heart was racing. I was distraught. I called his work cell phone praying he would answer. He didn’t. His son confirmed Eric died. I’d never experienced a tragedy before. It was 4 days after I bid him goodbye. That added to the blow. I called everyone close to me to inform them of what happened.

The Manipulator Surfaces

Seeing Eric motionless in his casket at the wake held for him, I knew I was not ready to embark onto a new relationship. I shared my feelings with The Exploiter. That day, he began showing signs of a manipulator. I didn’t recognize them at the time. This is typical behavior for an opportunist. In hindsight, it would have been best if he’d accepted how I felt and offered a friendship at the moment. Instead, he couldn’t understand the reason I was not ready. He used the example of a family friend who’d gone through the same thing and was able to move on with her life. He believed I could get over my pain too. To him, it was not a good idea NOT to be in a relationship. The Exploiter stressed that he was alive.

Think about it. Wouldn’t you rather someone be in his complete sane state of mind when you first start dating? What do you find attractive about a sad person? Something horrific took place. It left this new person in your life in an uncertain emotional state. He tells you he’s not ready to be with you. This can save you heartache. Why try to convince this person otherwise? Keep in mind he’s a stranger you wanted to get to know. Love is beautiful. The prospect of having love is beautiful. It’s pure and positive. When you’re ready for it and meet someone new, you’re excited to experience a positive energy. You’re attracted to his joy for life. His laughter draws you near. You smile. He smiles. You both laugh. Everything that pulls you close to one another is euphoric. That’s optimistic. What would attract you to the opposite?

Disappointed

This was the first time I lost someone I loved. I was very vulnerable. My vulnerability left me open for anything. I thought that I should seize the day because tomorrow is promised to no one. I lowered my standards believing I should give The Exploiter a chance. After all, he wanted to be with me, right? When he announced he was moving into my new house, I saw this as a new lease on life.

It’s true that you see a person’s real face once you live with him. When I first met The Exploiter, he was attentive, affectionate and interested. That change in an instant the day he moved into my home. It was jarring, in a blink of an eye. The sweet guy I knew disappeared. He showed his controlling side full force. It was impossible for him to hide that. He was no longer warm and friendly but rather a dictator, controlling. He did not romance me. He was not loving. He provided nothing. He contributed nothing. Yet, he wanted everything his way in my house. Who does that? Everyone in my circle saw this as problem. My mom giggled I was a ticking time bomb. She should know. She raised me and knows I am not easily swayed. I don’t respond well to orders.

Here Comes The Beast, The Energy Vampire

My friends noticed my demeanor changed. I didn’t have a light in my face anymore. I was withdrawn. I looked like I had all energy sucked out of me. That’s what energy vampires do. Your glow, your positive energy, your happiness is like blood they feed on. It leaves you depleted.

Abuse leaves you in a fog. This happens even if you once said you wouldn’t put up with mistreatment. You know that you don’t belong in it. You can’t believe this is your life. You must escape but in a strange way you’re unable to move. It’s the shock to realize you’re in this awful place you never could have imagined.

The Exploiter made me question my femininity. He refused to touch me. I didn’t look good enough. I wasn’t fun. I had no personality. I did nothing right. He had a constant scrutiny lens on me; my hair, my makeup, my clothes, my shoes, what I watched on TV, the music I listened to. He told me the men I knew before him only slept with me because they could. It wasn’t because I was special or had value. If I wanted him to partake in any sort of romantic activity with me, I’d have to engage in a ménage à trois. I had to seduce him if I wanted him to be intimate with me. It was difficult to digest. But I wouldn’t have a threesome. He’d have to go elsewhere for that. He wouldn’t manipulate me. I stood my ground which unleashed a beast in him.

Bye, Bye Monster

The Exploiter was ugly when I didn’t give in. He tried all he could. He wanted to move out so we could “re-date”. He’d disappear confident I’d give him what he wanted by fear of losing him. Since my house wasn’t a storage facility, I rekeyed all the locks. He couldn’t come in and go as he pleased anymore. I called his bluff. That threw him for a loop. It enraged him further. He was out for good not long after. As we say in French, he took his clicks and his clacks and got out!

I lived with that man for 45 days. That was enough. I’m proud of myself for not having the “I’ve-got-to-make-it-work” mentality. I’m thankful for my friend Fay. She’s a domestic abuse survivor. She’s amazing. She shares her story all the time and educates other women. She noted my lack luster spirit while I was with The Exploiter. Fay is also the one who showed me he’s an opportunist. She made me realize that I was living through emotional abuse. That was the jolt that woke me up.

Growing up, I’d watched my mother dread to come inside the house after a long work night at the hospital. She’s a retired registered nurse and earned a great living. We lived in a fabulous house, but she hated coming home at the thought of fighting with my father. She did that for more than 15 years. I couldn’t do more than the days I endured The Exploiter. I refused to feel uncomfortable under the roof that I paid for. My home is my palace, my sanctuary. If someone can’t appreciate the beauty I want to share, he can leave. That’s something The Exploiter couldn’t handle.

His Shortcomings

The truth about The Exploiter is that he was a very insecure man. Perhaps he thought he should have been further in life at the age of 37. He couldn’t handle watching a woman thrive in her career and get the things he’d wanted for himself. That was not my fault. I was honest in wanting to be a supportive partner.

The man was stuck in ego. He felt as a man, he should have been the one to invite me in his home. Since that wasn’t the case, he chose to elevate himself by degrading me. I know he’s aware of this. I found one of his old college essays in which he detailed this very problem. Each time he faced someone who had more than he did, he’d resort to make that person feel badly. He admitted he wasn’t raised that way. He knew it was wrong. Still, The Exploiter didn’t learn his lesson. That’s pathetic and with me it backfired.

The Important Lessons I Learned

After my time with The Exploiter, I theorize that when you’re grieving, you’re vulnerable. It isn’t a good time to begin a new romantic relationship with someone you’re getting to know. But he can be a friend if he’s genuine. Predators have a sixth sense. They’re on a mission to seek all opportunities that will benefit them only. They’re aware that you’re susceptible. It’s the right time to get anything they want from you. The pain you feel is raw and you’ll welcome all false gestures of affection as healing. The minute you wake up and call their bluff they’ll turn on you. You’ll see their true colors.

It’s important to nurture your friendships and your relationship with your family. Build your support system. Your loved ones are here to give you all the love you need. They also are extra sets of eyes when you can’t see clearly. You may not always like to hear what they tell you but stay open to it.

Because of my friend Fay I opened my eyes quickly; faster than I would have alone. With the help of her story I saved time. This is exactly what I want to do while working with you. I hope that sharing my experiences will help you and other women save time. Time spent learning lessons to evolve and grow is never a waste. I know it can seem like it is sometimes. It’s one of the reasons I want to assist you in speeding up your healing process. That way, you won’t spend too long living through some unnecessary heartaches.

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With Love and Reverence,

Claudine – Goddess Reverence™